MABA: Cowbell's unbelievable transformation from twig to beast
On loneliness, "nights are bullshit" and the Foo Fighters superstar who should be in MABA
MABA (Make America Burpee Again) starts in three days. We are going to fight loneliness, one burpee at a time. Fall down. Get back up. Together.
The MABA challenge: 3,100 burpees in January. Do 100 every day, bank a bunch and take off days, whatever. If you’re nervous about doing 100 burpees per day, modify as necessary. The point is not the burpees. The point is the relationships you build and strengthen with the people you do the burpees with.
And you’re not going to do 3,100 burpees and NOT buy a t-shirt, are you? Order your shirt here.
MABA-maniacs, meet Jeremy “Cowbell” Patterson. Somehow, he is the man in both of those pictures at the top. He will lead the warmup in our MABA launch beatdown on at 7 a.m. January 1 at The Last Stop in F3 St. Charles, Missouri.
Burpees: Pro or con?
Burpees used to be a “con,” but since joining F3 in mid-August, I’m leaning more toward “pro” now. Not only have I learned to do them with better form but better speed as well. I notice that the more I do them, the better my cardio gets.
Your “was/now” photos are among the most incredible I’ve ever seen. Multi-part question: How in the hell did the skinny you become the jacked you? Did the rest of your life change – work, relationships, etc. – as your fitness improved? Or was it the other way around?
In 2015, I was living in Lubbock, Texas. Captain America: The Winter Soldier had just come out and it made me rewatch the first movie with Chris Evans. I had always daydreamed and really wished I had that pod — where young, skinny Steve Rogers enters and just several minutes later emerges this shirtless, jacked version of the same man.
My mother’s side of the family is all cursed with the “skinny gene.” My sisters, mom, aunt, uncle, grandparents, and I have always been extremely thin and underweight. So I knew, genetically, that I was predisposed to remain skinny my whole life. But one day in 2015, I decided I wasn’t going to let my genetics dictate what I look like anymore.
A man that I worked with used to play hockey professionally, and he went to the gym all the time. He was also married to a nutritionist. I offered to buy them dinner in exchange for their consulting help constructing a meal and workout plan for me. They both obliged and helped me map out a pretty good plan to get started.
Now the problem was working up the courage to go to the gym, sign up for a membership, and lift heavy things. I signed up online because I was too afraid to go in person. Then I told myself, “Day 1 will be Monday.” Monday came and after work, I drove right past the gym, telling myself I was too tired to workout that day. I’ll have to start on Tuesday. Then Tuesday came and I at least pulled into the parking lot this time, but I had forgotten my access card on my coffee table at home, so there was another excuse and another day missed.
Wednesday I actually went inside and felt like everybody was staring at me. I warmed up with some pushups, which I could barely do, so I may have gotten 4-5. Then I benched the 45-pound bar a couple of times and decided to throw on a couple of 25-pound plates, which made the total weight 95 pounds. As soon as I unracked it, the weight buried me. I could not get it off of my chest and could barely breathe. A muscle-bound guy ran over and one-handed the weight off of me and back onto the rack. I was so embarrassed that I started to tear up. As I was walking out with my head down, that guy ran over to me and said, “Don’t ever give up. Everyone starts at zero. Everyone. See you tomorrow.” So I decided not to give up.
Over the years, I’ve tried many different workout plans, but all of them were centered around lifting weights. I was asked a ton of times to join friends at Crossfit, to try this “functional fitness plan” or that one, to go for jogs or runs, but I always said no. I didn’t care about functional fitness, I just cared about looking like Captain America and looking like I was stronger than I was. Plus, I knew any cardio exercises would just make me lose all the weight I spent so much work gaining.
It took me a little over 5 years to go from 135-140 pounds to 200 pounds, which was my ultimate goal.
During my body transformation, my confidence, work relationships, personal relationships all improved. I have always done my best to not forget who I am and who I was when I started this journey 6 1/2 years ago, to remain humble, and to try to help other people with their body goals and/or transformations.
You’re a drummer. If you could invite any drummer, alive or dead, to do MABA alongside you, who would it be and why?
I love this question! I would have to say, Dave Grohl. He was a huge inspiration for me when I was young and really getting into playing drums. I also think he’s one of the coolest humans on this planet and I’d love to hang out with him. I feel like he’d be a guy that would keep pushing people around him, even if he’s struggling to do the burpees himself. And since his best friend is Taylor Hawkins (current drummer for Foo Fighters and drumming badass), he’d be invited as well.
Fighting loneliness is the focus of MABA this year—hence the slogan Fall down. Get back up. Together. There are many reasons for this. One of them is the death of my mother, a year ago New Year’s Eve. She was the least lonely person I’ve ever met. Since her death, I’ve been worried about my dad.
I’m writing this from his living room in Michigan. I’m relieved, and a little nervous to report he’s doing OK; good even.
For an 83-year-old man, he has tons of friends, several of them for more than five decades. His two sisters and my three brothers visit him often (I live 500 miles away).
Even when he’s alone, he keeps himself busy. He golfs during the summer, he cleans his garage so often you could eat off of the floor, and I think he measures every blade of grass in his lawn and snips any one that is more than 1/1,000th of an inch too tall.
But then the sun goes down.
And loneliness sets in. That’s not the way he puts it. He puts it like this: “Nights are bullshit.”
Those three words have haunted me since he first said them many months ago. I don’t want his nights to be bullshit. I don’t want anybody’s nights to be bullshit.
If your nights are bullshit, call someone, talk to someone. If you know someone whose nights are bullshit, call them, talk to them.
I highly encourage snow burpees, beach burpees, ski burpees, dental chair burpees … really burpees in whatever strange place you find yourself in. Highlights from last year include curling burpees (as in the strange Olympic sport on ice) and snow plow burpees. I have confidence we can top those. Send photo/video evidence.
Last year, MABA was a big hit with our 2.0s. We want their efforts to count, so sign them up if they’re interested.
In the next issue: We’ll hear from F3 Royalty—OBT, the co-founder of F3—on why he loves to hate burpees.