The moral ambiguity of stealing my kid's Halloween candy

NOT ALL OF IT! I'm not a monster. But if I snatched so little she doesn't notice it's gone, there's nothing wrong with that ... right? Should I do it?

Thank you for being a subscriber.

If you enjoy this newsletter, please consider recommending it to others and becoming a paid subscriber. You’ll get dispatches about travel, adventure and #dadlife that will sometimes be heartfelt and profound, sometimes peel back modern parenting life for a look inside, and sometimes be, well, whatever this is. I’m working on ways to sweeten the pot, including appointing all y’all as my assigning editor. If you want to support my work, I would appreciate it.

Be on the lookout for details about Year 4 of MABA—Make America Burpee Again, an annual challenge in which participants do 100 burpees a day every day in January.

PRO

I paid for …

The Tupperware container and giant Ziploc bag that holds the candy. …

The costume she wore to collect it (She was Roo, and her friends were Pooh and Eeyore. Epic cuteness). …

The pillowcase she used to gather and transport said candy. …

The house in which all of those things now dwell. …

The food she ate that day, the day before, the day before, heck, 99 percent of everything she has ever eaten, in order to power her walking from house to house in the freezing cold on Tuesday night. …

Without me, there would be no candy. Therefore, I am entitled to a take some.

CON

I don’t have a contract, verbal, written or otherwise, that spells out the terms. If she THOUGHT she was entitled to something but could not PROVE that she was, I would not agree that she should just take it. So I should not model that behavior for her.

PRO

She counted her largesse—she has 175 pieces of normal-sized candy and 11 full-sized candy bars, plus she ate a butt-ton last night. That’s three pieces of candy every day for more than a year. No kid her size, or any size, needs that much candy, therefore, I should take some.

CON

Taking from somebody just because they have more and I want some of it is not morally defensible, no matter what Robin Hood or socialists say. You would not like it if she stole from you.

PRO

HAHAHAHAHA! All she does is steal from me, all day every day, the little moocher! 73 percent of parenting is recognizing that your kids take and use all of your stuff without asking forever and ever amen and the best you can hope for is when they’re 20 they will occasionally call you after they take your pots, pans, saw, drill, car, toilets, showers, etc. and never give any of it back.

CON

Fair point.

PRO

I really want a Milky Way, and she’s got so many she won’t miss them.

CON

I really want a new bike, and the bike store has so many they won’t miss one, but I can’t just go take one.

PRO

I don’t know, man. She’s my kid. I could call it the dad tax. Is it really stealing if I just take one piece from my own kid?

CON

If you don’t have permission, of course it is. But all this talk about candy is making me hungry.

PRO

We can do something about that hunger. Right now. It’s not like the candy is locked in a safe or anything. She probably hasn’t booby-trapped it. She usually doesn’t do that for a week or so. It’s just sitting there on the counter. She has so much she filled a ginormous Tupperware AND a gallon Ziploc bag.

CON

Seriously? That’s a lot of candy. Wait. Didn’t she make a list of everything she got?

PRO

Yes she did. She has 36 different kinds of candy! She can have all the licorice (eight!) and chewy fruity stuff (dozens) she wants—I ain’t touching that nasty garbage. She has 18 Milky Ways, including two full size! Four 3 Musketeers, one of them full size! 13 Almond Joys, which I won’t touch because they’re gross but still: It’ll be NEXT Halloween before she finishes all that.

CON

I’m starting to come around on this. A piece or two wouldn’t hurt, would it?

PRO

Wouldn’t hurt at all! I could just wander down to the kitchen – innocently, just behaving absolutely normally, minding my own business, nothing to see here …

CON

I’m listening. …

PRO

Snatch one out of the Ziploc bag, stuff it in my pocket, contrive a reason to go outside, eat it, and throw the wrapper in the can in the backyard.

CON

Don’t you think you need to go outside and water the grass, wink wink?!? Grab a couple for me.